Unplugging from The Matrix
In the 1999 movie The Matrix is an artificial world created as an illusion for its inhabitants. They do not know they are conforming to and perpetuating this alternate reality and indeed it's impossible for them to see the true world from the inside of their false world.
The lead character "Neo" suspects there is something wrong and something different about himself. He is encouraged to explore this and ends up having to make a choice, to take the red pill and find out the truth about the world or to take the blue pill where he can remain in blissful ignorance. Once he has unplugged he can never return.
An autism diagnosis can feel like a similar level of change in perception of the world. It's not just me who feels this, many others have also seen the connection between The Matrix and an adult autism diagnosis. There's two excellent blog posts written about this analogy already. [1][2]
I do acknowledge that not everyone is pleased about an autism diagnosis, some feel upset, some angry, some like nothing has changed. Personally I'm very happy and positive about my diagnosis. Like Greta Thunberg I almost feel like autism is a superpower. [3] It's allowed me to think differently and have a very successful career using problem solving, pattern matching and creative computer programming. It gives me the ability to create artwork with a different view and picking out different details than others. [4]
As I've been diagnosed in my fifties I've developed a whole lifetime worth of masking and adjusting to try and fit into the world. A world which was designed primarily by and for the neuro-typical, a world where I've always sought out ways of escaping certain areas and developed coping strategies to allow a more comfortable existence in others. A world that I had forced myself to fit into.
I look back upon my undiagnosed self and reflect on how much I was struggling without even knowing what was wrong and the level of anxiety that had been causing. I also think about how much "just knowing" why the world felt so wrong has changed my views since then.
The flood of new information about myself when the diagnosis came through was overwhelming. It challenged and changed everything I thought I knew about myself and that has taken some getting used to. It's changed literally everything.
Now that I do know I have begun the process of unmasking, discovering and becoming the real me for the first time in my life. It feels really good to unmask and accept who I am. I understand the world and how I interact with it in a way that I never could have done before my diagnosis.
I do quite a few things differently now too. I wear Loops[5] earplugs to filter out noises and I avoid certain lighting conditions and environments. I can recognise when sensory issues are becoming too much and I know which type of social situations to avoid and I also avoid unnecessary touch and physical contact.
I accept my autistic traits simply as part of who I am. I can now recognise them, name them and take ownership of them in a way I never could have pre-diagnosis. For example; I now know why I get so irritated by the bird song that others seem to find so pleasant.
To varying degrees I accept and embrace the traits of autism, the demand avoidance, lining up of objects, having strict ordering of certain things, pattern matching, repetitive actions and thoughts, social avoidance and stimming are all just a part of life.
Just like in the movie, now that I've unplugged there is no going back. In the words of Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
I took the red pill and while life is much clearer and easier to understand I do feel that I'm still only a little way down the rabbit hole. There's a lot more to explore and everyday I'm discovering new things related to my autism.
[2] https://thearc.org/blog/autism-is-the-matrix/
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