All I want for Christmas is a fist bump!

During the Covid-19 pandemic everyone reduced their physical contact with others. Neurodivergent and neurotypical alike were no longer hugging, shaking hands, giving high fives or kissing. More than that, there were simply less people around, fewer cars and crowds. This was a good time for me but that is now all over and we are heading towards Christmas. Tis the season of backing away from people attempting to hug me. 

This is a personal blog and what I write is true for me but not for all autistic people. It’s a spectrum and everyone on it is different. That said a large number of autistic people don’t like to be touched, make eye contact or interact with the world in a way that neurotypical people do.

A difficulty for me in navigating the nuerotypical world is personal space and the risk of being touched by someone.[1] Even accidental contact is unwelcome. If someone brushes past me on a train it’s like stroking a cat backwards. This makes travel on public transport very difficult. If there are too many people on the bus, train or tram I simply won’t get on it. I avoid areas with lots of people, loud noises, loud people, bright lights and many other seemingly unrelated things.

Christmas is a time where many of those things are all around. Christmas parties are full of people, noise and lights. They're also full of greetings which involve hugs and even kisses. This year I am going to attempt to traverse the whole of Christmas without hugging anyone other than my wife. Fist bumps are going to be my chosen form of contact for one and all. I think I can manage to stick a fist out and say “I’m just doing fist bumps this year”.[2] Many will assume it’s a covid thing as I also have an autoimmune disease but if anyone wants to know more I will gladly explain.

Lack of eye contact is one of the most commonly known about autistic traits, and for me this is very similar to the dislike of physical contact. For me it’s an aversion rather than an indifference.[3] [4] It’s overly intimate and personal and makes me super uncomfortable. I can pin point the moment I learned how to do it with some success.

It was about 20 years ago in a pub called the Malt n Hops in Chorley whilst speaking to a man called Harry. It was a work night out for my wife and Harry was one of her colleagues. I was aware that direct eye contact was something I was very uneasy with and during this conversation on the future of mobile phone technology I decided to experiment. 

I realised that I could look away, perhaps downwards, whilst listening and it would just appear that I am concentrating and giving my full attention. At that point I can have a rest, then when I speak I can change and make some (maybe still limited) eye contact turning away again once I’m done. Afterwards, Harry mentioned to my wife that he thought I was a very honest chap because I looked at him whilst speaking. This was all the recognition I needed to be able to master that masking behaviour.

That was some time ago and I’ve been improving how well I can mask eye contact ever since then. I am still aware and conscious of what I am doing though and I think about it during pretty much every conversation. If at all possible I will sit next to you rather than opposite you so that eye contact is less intense. I will find a seat that has a view, TV, or something else that I can look at when I need to without it seeming like unusual behaviour. I'll also use verbal cues and nodding to show I'm paying attention rather than a gaze.

Masking is a difficult, complex and continuous process, it can also be exhausting[5]. So this year for Christmas I’m going to treat myself to less physical contact, no hugs, and less eye contact without feeling bad about it one little bit. Unmasking for me is about spending less of my energy on forcing myself to fit into social conventions of the neurotypical world and accepting who I am and my autistic traits for what they are, a natural part of me.

[1] How ‘social touch’ shapes autism traits, https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/social-touch-shapes-autism-traits/

[2] Fist bump better than handshake for cleanliness https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/fist-bump-better-handshake-cleanliness-201407297305

[3] Mechanisms of Diminished Attention to Eyes in Autism, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27855484/

[4] Atypical reflexive gaze patterns on emotional faces in autism spectrum disorders, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20844124/

[5] How "unmasking" leads to freedom for autistic and other neurodivergent people, https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world